When I was about 13 or so, my hamster Scooter died. I cried real tears over the loss. He was a good hamster. He nibbled on the carrots I would feed him and let me confine him in a clear plastic ball while he scampered about the house, for my viewing enjoyment. He even let me hold him and pet his light orange and white fur, and he only ever bit my brothers when they would pull his tail or squeeze him too hard. Like I said, he was a good hamster. :) (Sidenote: My sister wanted to name him Alaskan Patches… yeah I know! In her defense, the white patch on his side WAS in the shape of Alaska.) Anyhow, after Scooter died, I cried my tears, and then we buried him in a Kleenex box next to the garden. Case Closed. Hamsters die. I was lucky he lasted his projected lifespan of 3 years. Life went on.
Sure there was my turtle, Shak, that ran away, my snail, Slimer, that melted under a hot lamp, and of course a few goldfish that went belly up. (Two in college due to the stupidity of Christina and I putting them in bottled Evian water- we wanted the best for our fish Stick and Feisty. ) The sadness I felt from these losses was a small raindrop in the massive oceans of sorrow.
Now however, I am feeling sad- a different kind of sad that I have not experienced before. My grandmother has been in the hospital a little over a month now. Normally when we’ve spoken, while physically her body is not up to par- she was in good spirits. She exuded energy during our conversations and would chat away. Not being able to see her I would have expected she was sitting on one of her bar stools at her kitchen counter, in front of her crossword puzzles and magnifying glasses, instead of laying in a hospital bed.
I spoke with my grandma last night, and I only lasted about a minute before I broke down in tears and had to pass the phone off to my sister. She told my mom yesterday that she thinks she is dying. While I knew it was her on the other end of the line yesterday- it was not the jovial Grandma Milli that I am accustumed to hearing through the receiver. Her responses were short, almost labored, and all the emotion I had been holding in came spilling out as I realized that I can’t have her here forever.
She has been telling my mom that she wants to be buried on the right side of my grandfather (who is still alive and well). Then last night, she said to my sister, “If anything happens to me, take care of Grandpa.” I am sad that I can’t be with her right now, yet also sickened by the fact that I’m not sure that I want to see her- to see her like this, that is. I do know that if she were closer I would be there by her side, no matter how hard it would be, so really it is the distance that is keeping us apart at this point. I’m praying for some guidance as to when/if it would be a good time to go out there. Anything is possible really. She very well could pull through- she has been a trooper thus far, but as of late- yesterday and today- her instincts say otherwise.
I know she cannot live forever. We are all going to die, yet selfishly I do not want to let her go. And while I know she will be going home to be with Jesus, I selfishly want her to stay here with me- at least a little while longer. And not just for my sake, but for my grandpa’s sake, her husband of over 60 years. They bicker like you wouldn’t believe, but in the quiet of the night, as they lay in bed just before falling asleep they would always debrief the day, unaware that I could hear them from my bed down the hall. Usually they would be bragging about their children and grandchildren and you could tell they were proud. Proud of their family and content and secure as long as the other was next to them. Milli and Leroy belong together like PB and J, Cookies and Milk, Peas and Carrots-- it makes me sad to think of one being without the other, especially while they are so far away from me. It is a rather helpless feeling.
Any prayers would be greatly appreciated.
And now, a poem
This one's for you, Grandma:
Not Your Average Grandma
Milli Stark is not your average granny
Her creative abilities are just uncanny
She’s an artistic, oil painting, craft making
Mexican tortilla casserole baking
Creative crossword puzzling pro
Making the best sandwiches just so
That’s my Grandma Milli
Collecting Betty Boop and Teddy Bears
Always remembering me in her prayers
Gambling in poker and nickel slots
Emailing me from Arizona lots
Cyber grandma is what we call her
A lover of sweets, just like me, for sure
That’s my Grandma Milli
Laughing together throughout the days
Sharing with me a Bohemian phrase
Creating the perfect egg, scrambled
Teasing my grandpa, she often rambled
Witch hazel’s number one fan
Play the organ? Yes she can!
That’s My Grandma Milli
Classic storyteller of my past
Viewing me through a flaw eliminating eyeglass
Always sharing an encouraging word
Her positive praise, I always heard
I love her dearly and she loves me
I’ll never be ready for Jesus to set her free
That’s My Grandma Milli
Not to ruin the moment or anything but I gotta do it: "WAAAAH WAAAA" Yes, tonight I am feeling like a total Debbie Downer. Perhaps I should have warned you at the beginning of this post... And finally, this clip art somewhat applies:
LOL! What's funny is I'm really not depressed. I know my wonderful grandmother of 85 years of age cannot live forever, and I do not doubt that she is heavenbound, yet it does not make it any easier. I have never lost someone close to me before, so this is just hard for me. Anyway, I'll be alright. I have hope and some peace. I just pray she is not in pain, and that the Lord will heal her. If it is her time to go, I pray that God will carry us all through this difficult time, particularly my dear Grandpa, her husband of over 60 years.
8 comments:
Dearest Holly:
Christina called me this morning to let me know about your Grandma. I'm sorry to hear about this stage of her journey. You've asked for prayer for 'some guidance as to when/if it would be a good time to go out there'. Holly, DON'T wait - GO! You will NEVER regret any time spent with her. There is something so precious about being with someone as they prepare to leave this earth and get ready to go Home. I know you have great concern about any pain she may experience; I understand. Trust God with this; He will take her gently in His arms and lovingly guide Her throughout this process. And, Holly, He will heal her, perhaps not the way we imagine or the way we would desire Him to on this earth , but one day Grandma Milli will be dancing with the Angels, fully restored and able-bodied. And you will be re-united with her. That alone will give you great hope in the days ahead! Your grandfather will be sustained by our Heavenly Father during this process. I will continue to pray for all of you. Your poem is so precious and shows the level of love you hold for your grandmother. Go to her, Holly, and love on her once again before she heads home; you'll never regret it. Love, Joyce
Your grandma sounds great. Sorry to hear about this...I'm sure there isn't much else to say that hasn't already been said. It isn't ever easy to go through this regardless of the situation. I'm only an email away if you ever need to vent =)
Holly, after you left the other night after talking to Grandma I actually thought you should write a poem- and here you did, and it's spectacular. I'm sitting here crying about it, I had to explain to Nathan why. When I told him that Grandma Milli is sick and might not make it and it's making Mommy sad, he said, "Oh, it is?" really not aware of the sadness, which is good- I need that right now :) I think you and mom should go if you can, especially since as Joyce said you'll never regret being there but you might regret not going later. After the snow calms itself maybe you should try to fly standby or something. If you or mom need some $ we could help you out... knowing I can't be there makes me want you to be there all the more. Plus, you could be a support and a light for all the family out there, especially Grandpa and Aunt Sandee.
Hang in there, we'll talk later.
Love ya sis
We'll be praying for your family, Holly. My grandma Mickie died about 10 years ago and had a long battle with cancer. I didn't see her much in the last few months of her life because it was difficult to see her that way. I was younger then, but looking back I wish I would have spent more time with her during her illness. So, to echo the sentiments of everyone else, I would say try to visit if you are able.
Oh Holly. (((BIG HUGS)))
I so identify with what you've shared. I was my Gram's girl. (Shhh... don't tell anyone but I was the favorite grand child.) I had the worst time ever thinking of a time when she wouldn't be here. When the time came, I was actually ready for her to go, because it meant no more pain or suffering for her. She was just a shell of her former self during that last month. That was a little over six years ago. And I still miss her every single day.
My Gram's name was Millie too by the way. But with an 'e'.
Oh Holly- I can totally relate to this post. My grandmother is 87 and she too is just hanging in there at this point. It's so upsetting to see. I only wish i could see her more often. So I agree with Joyce, go visit! She will love seeing you and even if it's hard for you to see her, it will mean so much to her. =)
I'm praying for you and your family, Holly. I love you guys and I'm so sad about this news. Your grandma is so special, indeed. This post is so tender. I teared up reading it. I love the poem, too. What a great tribute to her. I think if you go to Az, you'll find a lot of comfort in being able to be with her and support your grandpa, too. I love you!! Let me know if I can do anything at all. I'll be praying.
p.s. thanks for the laugh, too. Stick and Fiesty in Evian...too funny. :-) Crazy Haynie days...
I just want to thank you all for being so wonderful! I really appreciate your comments. Each of you has made me feel so... well... loved! I appreciate your concern, advice, and prayers. Just to let you know, my mom is flying out to AZ Sunday morning and will be there for the week. If I were in any other profession I would join her, but in teaching it is not so easy to pick up and go- sub plans, sub plans, sub plans! ick- not to mention Parent-Teacher Conferences are on Monday. Don't get me wrong, I can definitely take some days off, and am thinking about going later in the week, but will wait to hear what my mom finds out while she's there. My grandma is doing a bit better tonight. I'll keep you posted. Thanks again for being so awesome- you all are the best BFs (blog-friends) and RFs (real-friends) I could ever ask for!
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