I have never truly lost a loved one. I know I am very fortunate.
When I was about 13 or so, my hamster Scooter died. I cried real tears over the loss. He was a good hamster. He nibbled on the carrots I would feed him and let me confine him in a clear plastic ball while he scampered about the house, for my viewing enjoyment. He even let me hold him and pet his light orange and white fur, and he only ever bit my brothers when they would pull his tail or squeeze him too hard. Like I said, he was a good hamster. :) (Sidenote: My sister wanted to name him Alaskan Patches… yeah I know! In her defense, the white patch on his side WAS in the shape of Alaska.) Anyhow, after Scooter died, I cried my tears, and then we buried him in a Kleenex box next to the garden. Case Closed. Hamsters die. I was lucky he lasted his projected lifespan of 3 years. Life went on.
Sure there was my turtle, Shak, that ran away, my snail, Slimer, that melted under a hot lamp, and of course a few goldfish that went belly up. (Two in college due to the stupidity of Christina and I putting them in bottled Evian water- we wanted the best for our fish Stick and Feisty. ) The sadness I felt from these losses was a small raindrop in the massive oceans of sorrow.
Now however, I am feeling sad- a different kind of sad that I have not experienced before. My grandmother has been in the hospital a little over a month now. Normally when we’ve spoken, while physically her body is not up to par- she was in good spirits. She exuded energy during our conversations and would chat away. Not being able to see her I would have expected she was sitting on one of her bar stools at her kitchen counter, in front of her crossword puzzles and magnifying glasses, instead of laying in a hospital bed.
I spoke with my grandma last night, and I only lasted about a minute before I broke down in tears and had to pass the phone off to my sister. She told my mom yesterday that she thinks she is dying. While I knew it was her on the other end of the line yesterday- it was not the jovial Grandma Milli that I am accustumed to hearing through the receiver. Her responses were short, almost labored, and all the emotion I had been holding in came spilling out as I realized that I can’t have her here forever.
She has been telling my mom that she wants to be buried on the right side of my grandfather (who is still alive and well). Then last night, she said to my sister, “If anything happens to me, take care of Grandpa.” I am sad that I can’t be with her right now, yet also sickened by the fact that I’m not sure that I want to see her- to see her like this, that is. I do know that if she were closer I would be there by her side, no matter how hard it would be, so really it is the distance that is keeping us apart at this point. I’m praying for some guidance as to when/if it would be a good time to go out there. Anything is possible really. She very well could pull through- she has been a trooper thus far, but as of late- yesterday and today- her instincts say otherwise.
I know she cannot live forever. We are all going to die, yet selfishly I do not want to let her go. And while I know she will be going home to be with Jesus, I selfishly want her to stay here with me- at least a little while longer. And not just for my sake, but for my grandpa’s sake, her husband of over 60 years. They bicker like you wouldn’t believe, but in the quiet of the night, as they lay in bed just before falling asleep they would always debrief the day, unaware that I could hear them from my bed down the hall. Usually they would be bragging about their children and grandchildren and you could tell they were proud. Proud of their family and content and secure as long as the other was next to them. Milli and Leroy belong together like PB and J, Cookies and Milk, Peas and Carrots-- it makes me sad to think of one being without the other, especially while they are so far away from me. It is a rather helpless feeling.
Any prayers would be greatly appreciated.
And now, a poem
This one's for you, Grandma:
Not Your Average GrandmaMilli Stark is not your average granny
Her creative abilities are just uncanny
She’s an artistic, oil painting, craft making
Mexican tortilla casserole baking
Creative crossword puzzling pro
Making the best sandwiches just so
That’s my Grandma MilliCollecting Betty Boop and Teddy Bears
Always remembering me in her prayers
Gambling in poker and nickel slots
Emailing me from Arizona lots
Cyber grandma is what we call her
A lover of sweets, just like me, for sure
That’s my Grandma MilliLaughing together throughout the days
Sharing with me a Bohemian phrase
Creating the perfect egg, scrambled
Teasing my grandpa, she often rambled
Witch hazel’s number one fan
Play the organ? Yes she can!
That’s My Grandma Milli
Classic storyteller of my past
Viewing me through a flaw eliminating eyeglass
Always sharing an encouraging word
Her positive praise, I always heard
I love her dearly and she loves me
I’ll never be ready for Jesus to set her free
That’s My Grandma MilliNot to ruin the moment or anything but I gotta do it: "WAAAAH WAAAA" Yes, tonight I am feeling like a total Debbie Downer. Perhaps I should have warned you at the beginning of this post... And finally, this clip art somewhat applies:

LOL! What's funny is I'm really not depressed. I know my wonderful grandmother of 85 years of age cannot live forever, and I do not doubt that she is heavenbound, yet it does not make it any easier. I have never lost someone close to me before, so this is just hard for me. Anyway, I'll be alright. I have hope and some peace. I just pray she is not in pain, and that the Lord will heal her. If it is her time to go, I pray that God will carry us all through this difficult time, particularly my dear Grandpa, her husband of over 60 years.